Are our family traditions in danger of becoming casualties of modern day times?
In a fast paced world, where our hectic work schedules play an overwhelming part in our everyday lives, and families living apart from each other keeping time reserved to spend with our family is harder and harder to do and there is a fear that the family unit can become starved of attention and affection towards each other.
My husband comes from a large family, who, over their years have created so many family traditions that I have lost count, and sometimes even get exhausted participating in them. I on the other hand, come from the tiniest of families, whose family traditions, well the ones that I can remember have now died out completely because neither my sister or I thought to continue with them after the deaths of our parents, neither have we created any new ones other than she spends Christmas Day with me to avoid being alone.
So what is it that is so different between my husbands’ family and mine? Is it a numbers game in that there are a lot of them, is it because they all actually like spending time with one another, or is it because there is a driving force behind them all, encouraging them to spend time and enjoy each others company, or, just as my sister and I do, because they feel they ought to rather than they want to?
Looking back at my own childhood, I could say that we did have some family traditions. I certainly remember every New Years Eve; my Granddad would slip a lump of coal in his pocket so that he could cross the threshold with it after we all came home after midnight from our celebrations. I had no idea why he did this, all I know is that my sister and I would be given the most important job of searching for the perfect size lump of coal and seek our Granddad’s approval. Once we had scrubbed all of the coal dirt from our hands and had them inspected by our Nan, we would be allowed to change into our new dresses that our Nan had made us especially for the New Years Eve party. I can’t remember much about the parties themselves, just the ritual of the coal leading up to it.
Saturday was always our family day with the whole family arriving en masse to the local social club where the children would be left in charge of Granddad, Dad and Uncles, whilst the women all went off and did the weekly shop together. The local supermarket would deliver later that afternoon, and so the women would come and collect me and my cousins, and of course the men and we would all hop on the bus back to Nan and Grandad’s for sausage chips and beans in front of the wrestling on the TV and then a whole afternoon for me and my cousins to play together whilst the big people did whatever they wanted to do.
My sister and I, and none of our cousins ever meet up now and I wonder whether it’s because my grandparents and parents are no longer with us, and there is no longer a focal point within our family unit. I know that my cousins still meet together at their respective parents homes each weekend, but not each other’s. I feel also that at the time of our father’s death, (he was the surviving parent) we were both only just coming out of our teens, and so were not really equipped with the knowledge that you needed to work at keeping relationships going.
My husband recalls many family traditions carried out when he was a small child, and he actively participates in all that he and his six brothers have created as a family whilst they were growing up. As with most families growing up, they had very little money and so luxuries were very few and far between – money for games and toys was pretty scarce too, so except for new toys at Christmas, their entertainment was left to their imagination. They pretty much made a game out of almost anything, and they all still do. Even now, with Boxing Day, being “The Biggest Day of the Year” for my husbands family, every one of the brothers has to take a game that they have made up for everyone else to play. So whilst one year I might be picking up a cornflake box with my teeth, the next I am blowing as few cards as I can off the top of a bottle in an attempt to stay in the game. And Boxing Day would not be so without Grandads “tray game”, in fact it would be sacrilege if this was not the final game of the night, with about forty people (because as time goes on there are grand children, their partners and children all making this part of their own traditions ) cosy-ing up in the lounge, shoulder to shoulder and trying frantically to write down all of the items on that tray without anyone seeing in order to be the winner and select the prize by pulling the string and finding out which packet of sweets is on the other end. The reason so many people pack themselves into such a small space is beyond me but it adds to the charm and there is a feeling of being part of something special.
Every birthday in my husbands family is celebrated with the family, all turning up to wish you well and drink to your additional year, and eat the best egg sandwiches in the world made by my husbands mum. None of “the girls” can ever compete with Mums cooking and we wouldn’t want to try for fear of losing the special-ness of it.
Sundays are almost a weekly pilgrimage to Mum and Dads with all the brothers and their wives spending the afternoon in each other’s company and catching up on each other’s news. The brothers down one end of the room with Dad intent on the football and Mum with “her girls” doing what girls do best and catching up on the gossip.
So why do we cherish these activities so much? My husband thinks that no other family he knows spends as much time with each other as his, with each celebration or commiseration they all come together. Theirs being such a large family already gives them an identity as a family, but the things that they all share together also gives them an identity as a very close knit family which is recognised by others.
As the outsider looking in on my husbands family, I see that the closeness between each of the brothers and the affection that they all have for their parents. They still call their childhood home “home”, even though some of them left it some 30 years ago, but this is the place where they grew, developed and made their life choices, learned to respect and value each other and others, and they did this by being able to spend quality time together as a family, doing the things that they loved and making sure that they did these things together.
The activities my husband and his brothers shared together, and still share now, have formed their family traditions and never compromising on time spent with each other over the years, sharing the celebration of each others milestones, has ensured that each brother will continue with these traditions, with their wives and children, long after their parents have passed on. And so, learning from my husband, he and I will pass the same values and commitments to our own children and ensure that they know the importance of keeping the family traditions alive. Whether they continue with the ones we pass down, or make up their own as my husband and his brothers have, the important thing is that they share these activities and spend time with each other as a family.
Memories, sense of belonging, support, and the overwhelming feeling of being loved more than make up for the time and commitment needed from us to keep our family and our traditions alive.
